Well, today was quite a ride for me emotionally. I probably should have been more prepared, but as it turns out, I wasn’t. The day started with a degree of anticipation and excitement. Not for what was to come that day necessarily, but for the result of being able to get out of the hospital and start the process of finding the best oncologist for me and making progress forward. Not to mention the idea that I might be able to actually eat sometime soon. Surgery is always a risk and would have taken time to recover. So not an easy day by any means, but what I thought had been decided as the best plan right now.
The day was spent resting up and waiting for a 7pm scheduled surgery. I won’t bother you with the details of how this communication went down, but rest assured it wasn’t smooth. All of the sudden around 3pm I’m just told it’s not happening, almost just in passing as they are talking about getting a different team together to do the major surgery soon instead. Wait, what? I have surgery scheduled at 7pm and all signed on the release, but not, “that’s not going to happen.” I’d love to say I handled that well, but that broke me a bit. The frustration and disappointment came out and it was tough for me to take. Maybe I let expectations get to me a little too much, but I thought we had a plan and then, all of the sudden, it was gone. Then the mind went spinning down from there. How do I go see oncologists if I can’t leave the hospital? How do I find the best option for me? It was the most frustrated I have been and the tears definitely ran today.
Now, as always, things work out. This experience seems like it may very well be the best thing for me and lead to a better plan. I am all about taking the best path possible, and I know sometimes that takes time to find. He also had good reasons for concerns. None of that was the issue. It was that I thought we had a plan, I had talked to people that I trust that were all on board, and I thought we were starting this process. It just had me spinning a bit for sure. To his credit, knowing he wasn’t my favorite person today, came by my hospital room at 7:30pm and called in a favor from a stomach specialist to talk through my case. While, yes, it would have been possible to do the surgery, but it wasn’t in fact the best option. So instead now we are working on getting a feeding tube put in instead. This would be a non-surgical option, give me the nourishment I need to get out of the hospital, allow me to find the best doctor to help me start treatments, and in the end, have a cleaner canvas so to speak when it’s time to remove the tumor after we try to shrink it down a bit.
On the journey goes. This is going to be a tough one, I can tell, but I am ready. I can confirm that my emotions today weren’t about losing hope or anything even close to that. Just disappointment of not being able to take the step that I had convinced myself was the best step forward. Now we learn and adjust. We get rid of expectations and focus on the steps we take and doing so the best I can. There will always be a new plan, likely a better plan, and I know that expectations only get in the way. I guess I needed this reminder today and trust me I won’t forget it.
In hopes of getting this process started tomorrow, but being ready to do whatever I can, when I can, now it’s time to get some rest. Thanks all for being a part of my journey and, of course, thank you to TEAMjeff for the amazing support throughout this entire process. Here’s to a new day tomorrow!